My son and I have a nightly routine....whoever says "I love  you" first will most always hear "I love you more" in return....we banter back and forth about this for awhile " I love you to the end of the galaxy" ...."I love you to infinity"...you get the picture.  The other night, I decided to end this nonsense and win this once and for all.  Slowly and powerfully I said, " I.....loved...you...into ...being..."  Silence.  My son is an extroverted 11 year old so it takes alot to silence him......it didn't last long....slowly and with renewed strength he responded, "I was in baby heaven, and I loved you so much that you loved me into being." Silence.  I am speechless.  Wow!  "You must have been in baby heaven loving me for a long time."  "Yep" he said.  "Were there other babies there as well?" I asked.  "Yep.  Tons of them," he replied without thinking.  "What were all you babies doing for all that time?" I asked.  "Crying," he said.  Imagine all those souls as babies, crying to be loved into being.  Imagine all those beings now here on earth, crying to be loved.  It's mind-boggling & utterly simple in the same breath.  I love you.  I am loved.  I am love. Amen

I had an experience of the presence of God yesterday that I would like to share.  In my personal work, as well as when I journey with others, I often use images of God....that is, one image doesn't cut it.....my images change....God can't be contained....I believe God is in all things, but I'm not always aware....I imagine sometimes a life of having that awareness all the time....it feels like it would be wonderfully sublime beyond words or absolutely overwhelming leaving me babbling like a fool...is this enlightenment? perhaps.  I remember travelling on a bus many years ago and having my first experience of God in a very unexpected place....a drunk on the bus.  It was a profound experience for me and since that time I've often met God on the bus.....God must travel alot...lol.  What I know is that in the past I've looked for God in all the wrong places....actually even the act of looking for God didn't work....I may find God in church or a faith sanctuary sometimes but more often than not, it is when I'm not looking that God shows up.....if I'm paying attention

So back to my story of yesterday.  I went to meet with someone with whom I am a spiritual companion.  She has terminal cancer.  She has had the tumour on her brain removed twice as it continues to grow back.  Her hope for her next check is that it has not grown this time.  I have been doing faith-based healing touch with her for awhile and she finds comfort and strength in this process.  There have been days where I resist going to see her as with each visit I connect more deeply with her and we both know that eventually she will die...it's a matter of when.  I receive more from our visits than I can ever give.  I will be with her until the end. 

She has a daughter and grandson visiting from overseas.  Her grandson is about 5 and is autistic so seems about 3.  During our visit we sat on the couch and were chatting over tea.  Her daughter was across the room translating a letter of update  on her condition for friends overseas.  Her grandson wanted to move closer and closer to us, even though his mother was telling him to let us be.  Finally,  I invited him up on the couch with a pat on the cushion.  He gladly snuggled in between us, wanting to touch us.  We continued talking and I stroked his hand in mine.  He was so still I almost forgot that he was there.  As our conversation wound down and we were going to move into the other room for healing touch, I looked down at this little fellow and thought "who knows more about healing touch than this blessed little child between us."  I asked his grandmother if he could come in and do healing touch with us...kind of like my assistant.  "Of course," she responded and off we went.  This woman is a young grandmother, an artist, a scholar, but mostly a soul open to everything the world may offer her at this time.

I always remove any jewellery before I begin a session and as I undid my necklace I noticed my assistant mimicking my actions.  He was not, however, wearing a necklace so he decided in that moment to take his shirt off.  He then proceeded to take off his pants, leaving him in just his boxers.  He looked up at me as if to say "Ready."

I cannot describe the sacred preciousness of this whole experience, but I can say it soon came apparent to me that God was in the room.  He placed his hands on mine sometimes, other times he rubbed his grandma's legs or kissed her on the head.  When I was connecting with her palm, he placed his hand in my other had so we were all connected.  He was quiet and attentive.  Moving sometimes onto the bed and watching.  Other times coming close to touch her or me.  When we were finished, we covered his grandma  and left her resting comfortably on the massage table.  She was sleeping.  My assistant climbed up on the bed motioning for me to do the same.  We had a cuddle and it was time to get him dressed and for me to go.  We quietly left and he closed the door softly.

He did not speak English, in fact even in his own language he was difficult to understand, but there was no need for words.  He was in tune with the energy of what was happening and filled the entire space with healing love. 

I later shared a bit of this story with my son.  He had met this little boy a fews days previous at an Earth Hour event.  When I told him his involvement in the healing and how he was so gently in the middle of it all, my son replied "Well, ya, that's because he has no understanding of personal space."  An insightful 11 year old? perhaps.  A good way of describing God's presence?  I couldn't have put it into words any better than that.

May we all be open to God showing up...anytime, anywhere....in the most unexpected and precious ways. Amen

Yesterday was Good Friday in the Christian Tradition...I never did understand why it is called "good"...because something good came out of it? all good things must come to an end? Jesus died for the good of the whole world?  Why not call it.....Sad Friday....let's have one day a year where being sad is not only okay but expected.  People don't want to be sad.  We want to avoid sadness.  I visited with a family today who just lost their father/grandfather and they didn't want to be sad.   They made that clear to me - I'm doing the funeral.  I am not judging them in anyway - I totally understand - it makes planning a sermon for a funeral a bit difficult......but through sadness we will find joy....through death we will find resurrection.....it's the rhythm of life and death....when I used my hand to describe the wavelike pattern of grief and joy everyone in the room nodded - they get it - they just don't want to have to go through it.  Part of my role is in being a guide and support, but in the Christian tradition I have a responsibility.....and a belief....that Jesus knows best.....through the tears we will smile....death and resurrection.  Today is the inbetween day....perhaps the most difficult day of all as I think about it.....representing years in between the loss leading to grief and the joy of having come through it and being able to remember fondly that which was lost.....youth, opportunities, friends, relationships, loved ones.......

I'm rethinking this....Sad Friday, Difficult Saturday, Joyous Sunday...and the wave continues. 

I  am able to love, I am loved, I am Love.

A Hopi Elder Speaks...

"You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour, now you must go back and tell the people that this is the hour. And there are things to be considered...Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Are you in right relation? Where is your water? Know your garden. It is time to speak your truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader."

"This could be a good time. There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold onto the shore. They will feel like they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. Know the river has a destination. The elders say we must let go off the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water.

And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate. At this time of the history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves! Banish the word "struggle" from your attitude and vocabulary.

All that we do must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration. We are the ones we've been waiting for."

I am reflecting on the first month of this year and I invite you to do the same. 
What was the same? 
What was different?
What did you do well? 
What would like another chance to do well at?
What was the highlight?
What was your biggest challenge?
When did you feel most alive?
Is there anything new that has become more integrated and/or routine for you in one month?

I'm sure you can add to this list of reflection questions.  Some answers come easily, others take time. One month may seem to have flown by but simultaneously SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED no matter who you are.  It may not all have been good.  Some of it may have been the best ever.

May you be conscious and mindful in everything you say, do, create, enjoy, absorb, are.

www.earthhour.org  Plan ahead and organize a fun dinner party, time with a group or organization you are part of, gathering with neighbours,  with no electricity for March 29th (power off from 8 to 9 pm.)  We all need an excuse to gather together and this is an opportunity to do just that in the name of consciousness of the great mother earth that sustains us.  Go to this, sign up and get your own page to tell friends to join in as well!

This has been the wierdest few days of my life...okay not the wierdest but pretty wierd....
I chatted...through the written word with this person....there was a sign...hmmmm, maybe seems like this isn't all truth here....then another sign....then another....and then, even though I wanted to hope that this may be something....it was not.  I trust the signs and here I sit alone again.  I am very happy in my life.  If I need to go on being alone I would not choose it but still I would be happy.  I went out for a 7km ski today and it was so beautiful and peaceful and real.  I am sending out this prayer for support in believing that where I am is exactly where I am supposed to be. I also pray for all of those who are struggling with loss and grief....may they know they are not alone. Amen.

You know what I mean when I say signs....those moments where you know something in you is changed/changing.....how we respond changes the path...ever so slightly...in the work I do...Spiritual Direction....I sit with another and we discern where Spirit is active in their lives...they discern...I companion.  This part I find easy.  For myself it is more difficult.  I haven't spoken with my own Spiritual Director in awhile...perhaps that's it. 

After writing my last entry, two women died in our community...one my age...the other a few years older...one after a lengthy illness with cancer...the other suddenly.  It was my turn to be "on call" at the church.  I performed two funerals in one week, consoling the families and companioning them in their grief. 

Like is short.  I decided the night before last to go on an online dating site.  It felt wierd but I thought I would see if there were some in my area...maybe meet for coffee...I dunno.  Another person, guy, was doing the same thing as me...a few hours later....he messaged me...his first one....and there's this wierd feeling we both have because something clicked but we don't know what...it's only online after all right?  Do we talk on the phone.  Do we keep sending messages.  Life is short.  Do we stop going on the site out of respect for "meeting" another....

So I'm at the store yesterday and conversing with a local man...while we shop....and suddenly he asks me if I'm still married...I'm knowing that he must know I'm not because why would he ask...it's a small town.  He is going through a rough time in his marriage....he confesses.....and I click into the role of Spiritual Director.... not wanting to give off any of the wrong signals....this has happened before....with married men I mean.  I have done well with boundaries....I learned well from my own Spiritual Director....

So what am I getting at?......I never thought I would say this but I mistrust right now.  I have been such a trusting soul for so long.....this saddens me....I trust God...but not man....perhaps what I'm feelin is a mistrust of men because of what's happened to me.  I just didn't think it would happen to me....after all of this time.....perhaps where I can start is working on trusting myself......in God.  Life is short.

On the first day of school in September of 2007, a young girl and her sister got in their car to head to school....the first day back at high school.....so exciting.  They lived in the country so driving along  a long country road was a daily routine to get to town.  That day, the tomato truck in front of them was going pretty slow....the oldest daughter was driving and she decided to pass.  She hit another vehicle and was killed instantly.  She was 19.  Her sister was unhurt and alive.

Just after Christmas 2007 a young man from our town left and said he was going to see friends in a city three hours from here.  He ended up taking a plane to a city in Southern Ontario and on New Year's Eve he ended his life.  He was 25.  He was the an only child.  He and his father were firefighters together. 

I know both of these families.  They do not know each other.  It makes no sense to me that the young girl so full of life was killed and the young man who killed himself couldn't feel the life that was in him.  How can we make sense of this?

I will be going to the funeral tomorrow for the young man.  It saddens me beyond comprehension.....there will be his parents and friends and a large part of our small community there.  We gather, not because we all knew him so well, but because we gather around those he leaves behind - bewildered, hurt, grief-stricken, trying to make sense of soemthing so senseless.

Pray for those who suffer so much that they see their only way out as death.
Pray for those who suffer because their loved one was taken away by sudden death.
Pray for us all that we may be a comfort to those left behind.

In Love and Global community.  Amen.
 

I hope that my caffeine withdrawal may serve as a source of inspiration to anyone who has been thinking of giving up coffee, saying "no" to java, standing up against the latest latté.......in my mind I thought that after one week I should be okay.  It is just caffeine after all.  Day 5 and 6 I still woke feeling groggy.  Maybe this is just because of my age, I thought.  Maybe it's nothing to do with caffeine......but then came day 7.  I awoke yesterday, even after having a not-so-great sleep and.......I didn't have the morning foggy, hazy, I-need a-coffee-to-wake-me-up feeling.  And I saw that it was good!  It was very, very good!  By the end of the 7th day, I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Okay, perhaps I'm being a tad overdramatic but it was good, very good.  

So today is the 2nd day of not waking with the morning foggy, hazy, I-need a-coffee-to-wake-me-up feeling.  Having peppermint herbal tea this morning I pondered many things:

1.  Why didn't I do this sooner?
2.  Peppermint tea breath feels so much nicer than coffee breath.
3.  If it's true that one cannot find true happiness until one has not one single addiction, then am I to look forward to true happiness and if so will I be able to withstand it after so many years of living in......untrue happiness?

In Truth, I feel much more able to be present to Life now that I've gotten this habit/addiction out of the way.  And so, I go out into the day to walk my dog, visit a friend in hospital, do some work with my business, send an email to a longtime friend, begin preparing for a meditation for church on Sunday......all things that are a regular part of my life but somehow something is different.  I can't explain it.  In some ways, conquering my coffee addicition almost feels  more rewarding than conquering my nightly cigarette a year and a half ago.  Perhaps because coffee is revered by society and by all accounts is really a great thing much of the time.  But not for me.